30 October 23, 2007

Things I want to remember always about my 30th birthday

*Dancing and singing with my kids in the sunshine of our kitchen while making eggs, bacon, toast and coffee.

*75 degrees and sunny!

*Hearing my kids sing “happy birthday to mommy” all day, over and over.

*Getting the sweetest card ever from Troy.

*Food, laughter and drinks shared by dear friends.

*Being told that I was going to throw up(from drinking).

*Not throwing up.

*Dancing with maracas and a tamborine to “Low Rider” with my girlfriends.

*Accepting the fact that I am 30…gladly.

Scattered, yet connected September 27, 2007

“if I believe in God, in a Being who made me, and fashioned me, and knows my wants and capacities and necessities, because He gave them to me, and who is perfectly good and loving, righteous and perfectly wise and powerful, whatever my circumstances, inward or outward may be, however thick the darkness that encompasses me, I yet can trust, yea, be assured, that all will be well, that He can draw light out of darkness and make crooked things straight.”   ~THOMAS ERSKINE~

We are approaching my most favorite month.  No, not just because it has my birthday in it. It is AUTUMN! It has the most beautiful colors, the best lighting of the year and apples! pumpkins! cider doughnuts! bonfires! hayrides! YAY!

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!   I will burn a candle all day, everyday in rememberance of our two precious babies,  Brennan Henry and our first child, lost to miscarriage.   So many women are affected by this “silent grief”. If you know someone who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or any other way, love them, support them and help them to remember their child. Ask them how.

October is also Breast Cancer Awareness  month.  Support the cause–I am sure that almost all of you have been touched through a friend or relative by this disease.  Help find a cure!  This is near and dear to my heart because a very special lady who is my second mom was diagnosed last year, fought hard and just had a free and clear report from the docs!!! Praise God!

October 20th I will turn 30. YIKES!

P.S. Neener-neener Kristen. You are 30 first!

geeks, potties and growing up skillz August 21, 2007

After a daring rescue by the hunky geeks at best buy, our beloved pc is all nice and healthy once more.  The world can now return to normal because Valerie can check her mail and blogs more than once a month.  Hallelujah and Amen.

Summer will be officially over for us tomorrow morning.  My little boy is starting kindergarten.  I am so very excited.  I am so very terrified.  He is not little anymore.

Other great happenings around here is that Aidan can now ride his 2 wheel bike and Cayle is now officially potty trained!!!!! With these new achievements have come some BIG attitudes.  My baby girl now thinks she can leave the house when ever it strikes her fancy and roam the neighborhood showing off her big girl underpants.  “Because everyone MUST know, Mama”.

My daring 5 year old now thinks he has the skillz to jump ramps and curbs with the bigger boys on our street.  This has resulted in numerous scrapes and bruises, but also in a bigger confidence level, which is good.  For both of us. I am realizing that I will never be able to protect him from every scrape and bruise, nor should I.  That is how we learn, from experience, from hurt.  This is motherhood, letting go.

I am here July 28, 2007

We have been having tons of trouble with our PC.  I will be back up an running soon I hope, until then… much love and blessings to all of you!

Crisp white cotton with tiny rainbow polka-dots June 8, 2007

I have very few vivid memories from my childhood. The ones that I do have tend to be scary. But sprinkled in here and there, I have good ones. More on that in a minute.

I have been going through our summer clothes and putting away winter, thinking of which outgrown ones should go where. I came across the outfit that Cayle-Hannah came home from the NICU in. Soft fuzzy pink, preemie size fleece one piece that has a hoodie with bunny ears! In the same bag, a teeny preemie sized diaper (3-5lbs!) and her little purple and white preemie hat that she wore all the time because it was her nurses favorite. These are the few items that I will keep until she is old enough to decide if she wants them. While I was going through these items, I had a strange memory recall of coming down a flight of stairs to a soft yellow room, where there was a small gathering of people waiting for me. I had a deeply proud feeling, and was so excited because I had my hair in french braids and a very special, brand new outfit on. It was capri pants and a tank top. Crisp white cotton, with tiny rainbow polka-dots. On my feet were brand new white sandals. I think I was 7 or 8 years old. We were celebrating my cousin Jamie’s birthday. None of my immediate family was there. I was at my aunts farm for a month that summer. Just me. No sisters or brother. My cousins were Jamie, she is just a year older than me and Robbie who is 2 years younger. My aunt had taken Jamie and I into town that day for special outfits for the party. This was the first time in my life that I had ever gotten new clothes and shoes “just because”.  I am sure that is why the memory is so clear to me.

We moved. 5 weeks ago we went to an open house is a new subdivision that is in the much coveted school district of Prairie Hill. We had been undecided on what to sdo for Aidan this fall for Kindergarten, and we knew that we did not want him in the school district we were in before.  Troy and I felt that I would be overwhelmed with homeschooling with the 2 other littles to look after, too.  So when we saw this house and loved it, we knew we had to act fast.   3 days later, we were signing contracts.  Our house was put on the market the following Tuesday and on Friday we accepted an offer!  One condition though…the buyers wanted to close in 14 days.  So we got our little butts moving!  4 weeks later (with 1 of those spent with the MIL) here we are at our new home.  To say that this last 6 weeks has been a whirlwind would not do it justice.  More like an F3 tornado.  Um, yeah that sums it up. I will post pictures soon!!!

What Makes a Mother? April 19, 2007

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow’s where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start!!

There is no one like our God. April 19, 2007

Lately, I have been in thinking mode.  When I am in this frame of mind, I don’t have much to say, but much is on my heart.  I like to go over things and pray and talk with God about things long before I talk or write about them.  It keeps me grounded and keeps the extra voices quieter for a time.   Today, I finally feel like I am at a place where the steps that I am taking are actually getting me somewhere besides in a circle.  I feel like I am getting a hold of the emotional turmoil that has been my normal for the last almost 5 years.

Looking back at the last season of my life, I can hardly believe that those things actually happened to me and Troy.  I have felt detached and distant from it all because I haven’t been able to handle the realness of it.  And I have been hiding in Gods lap. I believe that He has allowed me this season of “partial reality” because He of course, knows me best.  There have been times when I have had no choice but to deal with the situation at hand, but never have I been away from His shadow.  I have felt like a wounded animal who would lash out at  anything that tried to invade her safe space.  I think that is where this anger that has rose up so often recently is from.  I was so wounded that I would lash out instead of remember that God is my protection and safety.

Tuesday night, after prayer at H.U.B.  I realized that I didn’t need to be angry. I just needed to trust Him. Trust His love, faithfulness, and His ability to take care of me and my family.  Every last detail.    I suppose that is why I have been saying constantly “I trust you, Lord” That has become my mainstay, my reminder of what I truly need.

Some thoughts on Brennan April 2, 2007

Sometimes I feel that I have never done “enough” as far as he is concerned. I planned a home birth, wanting only the best for me and the baby. It was the most beautiful day of our life when Aidan was born at home, we wanted the same with all of our children. After his death and his birth, I was confronted with the guilt of having only a midwife for most of my pregnancy care. The”what if’s” haunted me. I was wracked with guilt, thinking that I could have saved him “if” I had seen a doctor, “if” I hadn’t been so adamant about home birthing, or “if” I had just listened to my body more and the signals that something was wrong. Then we found out from the autopsy reports that it was a blood clot in his umbilical cord that caused him to go into distress and that the Rh antibodies was a secondary factor in his death. “What if” I hadn’t refused the rhogam shot–could that have given him a little more time, for us to save him. And why did I refuse the shot? Because I thought, in my young smugness, that nothing would happen. Because I was so damn naive and trusting. Then we found out after our daughters birth that I actually was the reason for the clot in his cord. That my body goes into “over-clotting-mode” when I am preggo. Why didn’t I know this? Couldn’t I have taken better care of myself before all this and known? The “what ifs” and “whys” seem to over take me some days, and I suppose this is one of them. For a lot of my life I haven’t been “good enough”. I thought that having children and being the best mommy ever would change that. That I would be good enough for someone, finally. But now, the list of my inadequacies seems magnified by motherhood. I am struck with the fact that my mistakes, could put my kids in therapy for years on end. I don’t have just my life to screw up anymore, I have 3 more opportunities!

God help me.

I think I need to go look in the mirror and have some “Stuart” therapy.

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!’

My Tenacious little Man March 29, 2007

Yesterday was Evan’s 2nd birthday.  We had one of my close friends and her 2 munchkins over for the day and then we had K.F.C. for dinner and a store bought cake with balloons on it (Evan’s fave). It was a very simple and fun day for most. Yes, I said most.  For me, the day was very bitter-sweet. Recently, he has started blossoming into this fabulous little person.  He calls me “mom” , he insists on doing everything by himself, and his favorite word is “no”.  Typical 2 year old, I know.  But, wah wah cry wimper wah.  And boo hoo for me.  He is my baby, it’s hard to let go.

Moving on.

The day also was tainted by bad news that we new was coming.  Troy’s Grandpa died yesterday morning. He had been sick for a while, with congestive heart failure and trouble with his blood pressure and kidney.  He ate breakfast with his wife and daughter and went to his chair to take a nap.  Grandma went outside to get the newspaper, and when she tried to wake him up to read it, he didn’t wake up. What a peaceful way to go.  With a full belly, and in your favorite chair.   We love you Grandpa.  You will be missed in a very big way. Have fun with Jesus.

Weirdness: Troy’s great grandpa died on his birthday.  Evan’s died yesterday, on his birthday.

Also, this theme, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like the new digs? March 22, 2007

Well, I have officially moved here…been thinking about it for awhile.  Hope you like it!