burlap and cashmere

the fabric of my life

And Now… August 3, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 10:30 pm

The silence was deafening. I was in such shock and disbelief, I asked Jane if the dopplar needed fresh batteries. “No, dear. I’m sorry ” was all I heard her say. We had to make the decision of going to the hospital or not. My body would go into labor naturally, but there was an increased risk of infection and hemmorage, and Jane said there was no telling how “bad” the baby might look if we waited. Off to the hospital. On the way, the time was full of calls to our church family and relatives to let them know the situation. We were met at the ER entrance by two dear friends who had lost children. The comfort of that is still priceless to me.
Upstairs in L and D, it was confirmed by ultrasound that our baby had died. I think that is when it started to sink in. I just looked at Troy and started sobbing. My heart was broken, smashed to bits. “How? Why?” I just wanted to scream and make somebody do something, ANYTHING, to help my child. For someone to tell me that this was all a cruel, horrendous mistake. That didn’t happen. The nurse came in and started the IV for pitocin, and she asked me if I wanted an epidural. I said no, no drugs. I wanted to be clear headed and able to make decisions for us, for our child. During this time, a number of people who love us dearly began to come to the hospital to support us and love us, to sing, to pray or just to hold our hand. Our dear friends had brought their guitars and worshipped during my labor. It was peaceful and perfectly what we needed. I know now that I would not have survived those 9 hours with out the love and support of our family and our family in Christ. A few couples from our fellowship have lost children. 2 families more than 1 child. One family had lost 5 precious children. Those 2 women/families, to this day are a very big support.
During my labor I had a fantastic nurse named Leslie who was so kind and gentle to us. She was the one person of the hospital staff who genuinely cared for us during that time. The experience we had with the rest of hospital staff was quite the opposite.
When I felt like I needed quiet and privacy, our friends were given a room across the hall from us where they continued to pray and intercede for us. We put on my relaxing CD “Rest” which is what I had practiced my relaxing with during my pregnancy. I felt so peaceful and so very sad at the same time. So, when it came time to push I was told I couldn’t do it the way I wanted and needed to, which was in a squatting position. Just a year earlier, I had birthed a 9lb 6oz boy that way, and we had been told that this baby would be about that big. But the doctor(to this day I still do not know why) told us that she would not deliver the baby like that. I was in shock and still very emtional, so I did not put up a big fight and said I would try her way. I pushed and the nurses pushed on my belly (needlessly) and the doctor almost pulled on the baby(again, needlessly) for over an hour. I know that if I had been allowed to do what my body needed and only pushed during contractions that I could have had that baby out alot sooner. So, at 1:59 am on December 9, 2002 our precious son Brennan Henry was born. The room was not filled with the lusty cries of an astonished baby. Again, there was just silence.
He was put into my arms and with everything in me I was willing him to take a breath. I wanted to just look at him and hold him. Everything else in that moment meant nothing to me. I was even reluctant to let anyone but Troy or I hold him because I knew that our time with him would end sooner than we wanted. We bathed him and dressed him in a little white hospital gown and wrapped him in a baby blue and white afghan donated to the L and D floor for bereaved families. He weighed 8 lbs 8 oz , he was 21 inches long and he was perfectly formed right down to the same rosebud mouth and curved nose that his siblings all have.
We decided to have him cremated because we wanted to remember him just as he was. Soft and warm and pink. I would not be able to stand seeing my precious child in a casket.
His memorial service was simple and beautiful. Our dear nurse Leslie came and many others who showed us tremendous support and love.
Brennan will always be my second son, our much wanted and loved child. His brothers and sister know who he is and they love to look at his picture and talk about him. There will forever be a space in our family that will never be replaced by anyone else. It is Brennans place in our hearts.

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