Sometimes I feel that I have never done “enough” as far as he is concerned. I planned a home birth, wanting only the best for me and the baby. It was the most beautiful day of our life when Aidan was born at home, we wanted the same with all of our children. After his death and his birth, I was confronted with the guilt of having only a midwife for most of my pregnancy care. The”what if’s” haunted me. I was wracked with guilt, thinking that I could have saved him “if” I had seen a doctor, “if” I hadn’t been so adamant about home birthing, or “if” I had just listened to my body more and the signals that something was wrong. Then we found out from the autopsy reports that it was a blood clot in his umbilical cord that caused him to go into distress and that the Rh antibodies was a secondary factor in his death. “What if” I hadn’t refused the rhogam shot–could that have given him a little more time, for us to save him. And why did I refuse the shot? Because I thought, in my young smugness, that nothing would happen. Because I was so damn naive and trusting. Then we found out after our daughters birth that I actually was the reason for the clot in his cord. That my body goes into “over-clotting-mode” when I am preggo. Why didn’t I know this? Couldn’t I have taken better care of myself before all this and known? The “what ifs” and “whys” seem to over take me some days, and I suppose this is one of them. For a lot of my life I haven’t been “good enough”. I thought that having children and being the best mommy ever would change that. That I would be good enough for someone, finally. But now, the list of my inadequacies seems magnified by motherhood. I am struck with the fact that my mistakes, could put my kids in therapy for years on end. I don’t have just my life to screw up anymore, I have 3 more opportunities!
God help me.
I think I need to go look in the mirror and have some “Stuart” therapy.
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!’