Lately, I have been in thinking mode. When I am in this frame of mind, I don’t have much to say, but much is on my heart. I like to go over things and pray and talk with God about things long before I talk or write about them. It keeps me grounded and keeps the extra voices quieter for a time. Today, I finally feel like I am at a place where the steps that I am taking are actually getting me somewhere besides in a circle. I feel like I am getting a hold of the emotional turmoil that has been my normal for the last almost 5 years.
Looking back at the last season of my life, I can hardly believe that those things actually happened to me and Troy. I have felt detached and distant from it all because I haven’t been able to handle the realness of it. And I have been hiding in Gods lap. I believe that He has allowed me this season of “partial reality” because He of course, knows me best. There have been times when I have had no choice but to deal with the situation at hand, but never have I been away from His shadow. I have felt like a wounded animal who would lash out at anything that tried to invade her safe space. I think that is where this anger that has rose up so often recently is from. I was so wounded that I would lash out instead of remember that God is my protection and safety.
Tuesday night, after prayer at H.U.B. I realized that I didn’t need to be angry. I just needed to trust Him. Trust His love, faithfulness, and His ability to take care of me and my family. Every last detail. I suppose that is why I have been saying constantly “I trust you, Lord” That has become my mainstay, my reminder of what I truly need.