burlap and cashmere

the fabric of my life

…an empty aching in my soul.* December 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 7:39 pm

His bright, happy smile the center of attention. His big blue eyes taking it all in, tucking away into his heart. Me, taking an obscene amount of photos, wanting to capture the memory forever. Me wanting to catch that look of sweet, pure joy on my sons’ face. Deliriously happy children, screaming, running, playing.

This is how I imagine Brennan’s 5th birthday.

The only memories I have of him are the few short months he grew under my heart. And 12 of the shortest hours of my life that I was able to spend holding, loving, wailing over my son. There are so many dreams that were held in place for him. My grief is this: I didn’t know who he was. His personality I will never know. I simply love him fiercely because he is my child. My beautiful surprise.

Over last few weeks I have been extremely lazy and without much motivation except to rot my brain with mindless activities and my body with junk food. My house is a mess and my heart hurts. I have been short-tempered with my kids and husband, real bitchy. New layers of grief appear when I least expect it. I thought maybe this year would be better
in being able to handle the load of grief. Seems like it’s worse than last year.

My heart is bursting with pain. I want him back.

*Fernando Ortega, “This Bright Hour”

 

Crazy Eights Meme November 14, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 11:50 am

I saw this over at Managing the Motherload and thought it would be fun.

8 Things I am passionate about:

1. God

2. My husband

3. My kids

4. Learning how to become the person God created me to be

5. Reading

6. Learning about becoming a birthing doula

7. Learning how to manage my household in a better, faster and more organized way

8. Raising my children to know that they are loved unconditionally

8 Things I want to do before I die:

1. Learn to live each moment as if it were my last

2. Take a trip to Ireland, Africa, Italy, France, and Hawaii

3. Get debt free and stay that way

4. See my grandchildren

5. See all my friends and family happy, healthy and fulfilled

6. Learn another language and speak it fluently

7. Go on another mission trip

8. LIVE

8 things I say often:

1. I love you

2. Good grief

3. God, help me!

4. I swear too much (trying to change that)

5. Excuse me? How do we ask politely?

6. Not right now

7. Thank you Lord

8. I can’t understand you when you whine/ have food in your mouth

8 books I have read recently or am currently reading:

1. My Sisters Keeper by Jodi Picoult

2. Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult

3. Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald

4. The Way the Crow Flies by Ann-Marie MacDonald

5. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

6. Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver

7. The Midwifes Tale by Gretchen Moran Laskas

8. (reading now) The Doula Book by Klaus, Kennell, and Klaus

8 songs I could listen to over and over:

1. Godspeed by Dixie Chicks

2. Anything by Indigo Girls (absolute fave is “Love will come to You”)

3. Anything by Fernando Ortega

4. Two sets of Jones’ by Big Tent Revival

5. Ain’t no Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye

6. Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

7. Anything by Sherri Keller or Carolyn Stegeman

8. Stand by Rascal Flatts

8 things that attract me to my bestfriends:

1. Having someone just “get” me

2. unconditional love

3. knowing that no matter what changes you go through in life, someone will always be there to cry, laugh, yell, or celebrate with

4. sharing the deepest places of your heart

5. knowing that they love you enough to point out the bad stuff and help you change it

6. phone calls at 3 am just to talk

7. hugs that melt away the world

8. giggles

8 people who should do this meme:

If you have read this, do it and link back here!!

 

On my soapbox October 24, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 10:21 am

I don’t usually post about things that are happening in current events, but this is something very important to me. It is the headline about cough and cold medicines for babies and children being banned. I say it is about time! I have always believed in natural ways of treating sickness, and for this I have had many raised eyebrows from my MIL, SIL and my husband as well. Recently though, he is seeing the benefits of how we treat our kids colds in comparison with his sister who medicates A LOT more than we do. (her kids are sick a lot.)

That being said, I think it is horribly sad that children had to die or become very ill before the medical community paid attention to the affects of these OTC meds on babies and kids. No family should go through the pain of losing a child, especially when it could have been prevented. Here is the link to an article that my FAVE magazine did on the subject.

http://www.mothering.com/sections/news_bulletins/october2007.html#cold

Go. Educate yourself. Get smarter. Be proactive about your family’s life and health.

 

30 October 23, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 1:34 pm

Things I want to remember always about my 30th birthday

*Dancing and singing with my kids in the sunshine of our kitchen while making eggs, bacon, toast and coffee.

*75 degrees and sunny!

*Hearing my kids sing “happy birthday to mommy” all day, over and over.

*Getting the sweetest card ever from Troy.

*Food, laughter and drinks shared by dear friends.

*Being told that I was going to throw up(from drinking).

*Not throwing up.

*Dancing with maracas and a tamborine to “Low Rider” with my girlfriends.

*Accepting the fact that I am 30…gladly.

 

Scattered, yet connected September 27, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 10:21 am

“if I believe in God, in a Being who made me, and fashioned me, and knows my wants and capacities and necessities, because He gave them to me, and who is perfectly good and loving, righteous and perfectly wise and powerful, whatever my circumstances, inward or outward may be, however thick the darkness that encompasses me, I yet can trust, yea, be assured, that all will be well, that He can draw light out of darkness and make crooked things straight.”   ~THOMAS ERSKINE~

We are approaching my most favorite month.  No, not just because it has my birthday in it. It is AUTUMN! It has the most beautiful colors, the best lighting of the year and apples! pumpkins! cider doughnuts! bonfires! hayrides! YAY!

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!   I will burn a candle all day, everyday in rememberance of our two precious babies,  Brennan Henry and our first child, lost to miscarriage.   So many women are affected by this “silent grief”. If you know someone who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or any other way, love them, support them and help them to remember their child. Ask them how.

October is also Breast Cancer Awareness  month.  Support the cause–I am sure that almost all of you have been touched through a friend or relative by this disease.  Help find a cure!  This is near and dear to my heart because a very special lady who is my second mom was diagnosed last year, fought hard and just had a free and clear report from the docs!!! Praise God!

October 20th I will turn 30. YIKES!

P.S. Neener-neener Kristen. You are 30 first!

 

geeks, potties and growing up skillz August 21, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 1:15 pm

After a daring rescue by the hunky geeks at best buy, our beloved pc is all nice and healthy once more.  The world can now return to normal because Valerie can check her mail and blogs more than once a month.  Hallelujah and Amen.

Summer will be officially over for us tomorrow morning.  My little boy is starting kindergarten.  I am so very excited.  I am so very terrified.  He is not little anymore.

Other great happenings around here is that Aidan can now ride his 2 wheel bike and Cayle is now officially potty trained!!!!! With these new achievements have come some BIG attitudes.  My baby girl now thinks she can leave the house when ever it strikes her fancy and roam the neighborhood showing off her big girl underpants.  “Because everyone MUST know, Mama”.

My daring 5 year old now thinks he has the skillz to jump ramps and curbs with the bigger boys on our street.  This has resulted in numerous scrapes and bruises, but also in a bigger confidence level, which is good.  For both of us. I am realizing that I will never be able to protect him from every scrape and bruise, nor should I.  That is how we learn, from experience, from hurt.  This is motherhood, letting go.

 

I am here July 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — burlapandcashmere @ 11:35 am

We have been having tons of trouble with our PC.  I will be back up an running soon I hope, until then… much love and blessings to all of you!